The Ideal Marriage
All perfect praise be to Allah the Lord of the Worlds. May His peace and blessings be upon our Prophet Mohammad and upon all his family and companions.
This title is not a form of attention grabbing commonly employed by media figures. Rather, it is the true expression of marriage as Islam intended it, and marriage as many people view it today, especially those marriages devoid of spirit and tranquility, invented by some, resembling a specter of what they once were. This is what the respected magazine Ghazl inquired about, as we received a question from them regarding Islam's ruling on Misyar marriage, customary ('Urfi) marriage, temporary (Mut'ah) marriage, and Tahleel marriage.
This topic should not be addressed with a rigid, verdict-like statement. Rather, it necessitates an introduction that clarifies the ideal marriage envisioned by Islam, so that the position of these other marriages in relation to that radiant picture Islam painted for marriage may become clear.
The original principle of marital life is that it is permanent, ending only with the death of one of the spouses. This is because its supreme objective is the formation of a social unit: the family, from which emanate sons, daughters, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren, just as tender branches, buds, and fresh blossoms branch out from a blessed tree that yields its fruit every season by the leave of its Lord—a source of goodness, bounty, and benefit for its members and the society in which it lives.
This is only achieved if the family is built upon a solid foundation of creed and sound innate nature that touches the heart, and is based on noble sentiments that prioritize selflessness over selfishness, and consideration for others over self-love. Allah the Exalted alluded to this, saying {what means}: "And among His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy. Indeed in that are signs for a people who give thought." [Ar-Rum/21]. It is regrettable that this verse often merely adorns wedding cards, with few people reflecting upon its meaning.
The woman who places her future in the hands of a man has placed a precious trust upon his neck and taken from him a covenant that he will steer their vessel to the shore of safety. Allah the Exalted says {what means}: "And how could you take it while you have gone in unto each other and they have taken from you a solemn covenant?" [An-Nisa'/21].
Similarly, the man who bonds with a woman places his future and the future of his family as a trust upon her neck. She must be up to the responsibility, striving to the best of her ability so that the vessel of marriage, with its sons and daughters, may sail to the shore of happiness in this world and the Hereafter.
In our Arab-Islamic heritage, there is abundant literature indicating an awareness of these meanings and acting accordingly. Marriage is not merely a fulfillment of a carnal urge that humans share with other creatures. Rather, it is a noble act in which prophets and messengers had participated. Allah the Exalted says {what means}: "And We have already sent messengers before you and assigned to them wives and descendants." [Ar-Ra'd/38]. Indeed, all of humanity are the children of the Prophet of Allah, Adam, and the righteous lady, Eve, peace be upon them.
These considerations are the foundation of the marital relationship. As for the matter of the dowry (Mahr), it is merely an honor bestowed upon the wife, unrelated to any materialistic meaning. This is why no specific amount is stipulated. Just as it is permissible for it to be ten dirhams, it is permissible for it to be quintals of gold or silver. Allah says {what means}: "And you gave one of them a great amount [in dowry]." [An-Nisa'/20]. It is also permissible for it to be something intangible, such as teaching her a chapter from the Quran.
This meaning is further emphasized by the fact that if the husband dies before consummation, the wife is entitled to the entire dowry, both the advanced and the deferred portions. She also receives her inheritance, and she must observe the waiting period ('Iddah). Moreover, if the wife dies before consummation, her advanced and deferred portions of the dowry become part of her estate to be divided among the heirs.
I am certain that these rulings, known to jurists, will come as a surprise to those who view marriage through a materialistic lens, as if one is buying or selling a commodity. Allah has made marriage nobler than that, and a free human being is not for sale.
In its concern for the continuity of marital life, Islam permitted a man to look at the woman he intends to propose to. This is an exception from His saying: "Tell the believing men to lower their gaze." [An-Nur/30]. It also permitted a woman to look at the man who intends to propose to her. This is an exception from His saying: "And tell the believing women to lower their gaze." (An-Nur: 31). Furthermore, it permitted one who is consulted about a suitor to mention his faults if necessary. This is also an exception from His saying: "And do not backbite one another." [Al-Hujurat/12]. Three verses from which exceptions are made to prevent error in choosing a life partner.
In addition to the condition of mutual consent required for all contracts, Islam stipulated the consent of the woman's guardian, because men are more knowledgeable about the character of men, and in divorce, the woman is the greater loser. It also stipulated witnesses and publicity for the marriage contract, to create social pressure that makes it difficult for either spouse to withdraw from this contract. Add to that the supplications of the righteous and the congratulations of well-wishers, in hope that Allah decrees happiness and permanence for this marriage.
Once the marriage takes place, the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, clarified what the character of the wife might be like, so that the husband is not taken by surprise, leading him to react with divorce. He, peace and blessings be upon him, also clarified some aspects of men's behavior, so that the woman is not surprised by matters that would repel her from her husband... For people, men and women, inevitably have shortcomings. As long as these shortcomings are within normal limits, they must be accommodated and overlooked for marital life to stabilize.
The Noble Quran was revealed, naming the leader of this social unit and the one responsible for its care and maintenance before Allah, saying {what means}: "Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard." [An-Nisa'/34].
Another matter must be noted, wherein Allah has placed a particularity for this bond between spouses: He made the establishment of the marriage occur through a word from the woman's guardian, agreed to by the husband, in the presence of two witnesses. However, the dissolution of this relationship is not by a single word, but by three words. The first divorce allows for reconciliation afterward in the easiest manner, so that a person may rectify his mistake, and haste and folly do not destroy him and his family. The second divorce is the same, and a period of reflection and reconsideration is required after each time. If the third divorce occurs, then the matter is concluded.
These lofty ideals and sublime models of marital relationships are comprehended by few in this materialistic age. However, society is not devoid of virtuous men and women who grasp these meanings. We sometimes hear of marriages between elderly individuals, far removed from emotional whims, as they see in it companionship and lawful cohabitation, uniting the two parties with lofty, legitimate meanings that vary from one case to another.
Once again, I note that these meanings are not present in the minds of all who embark upon marriage, but they are noble meanings that must remain in our culture and among the elite of this nation. As for the rest, Allah guides them to establish families and perpetuate the human species by another means, not of this standard, but which is lawful, legislated by Allah so that humanity may remain on earth. Whether we say it is a lure with which the spouses are 'caught' to perpetuate the human species—as some thinkers say—or we say it is a reward for the spouses for embarking on an act through which the human species continues, fulfilling Allah's promise {which means}: "Indeed, I will make upon the earth a successive authority." [Al-Baqarah/30], meaning a type of creation succeeding one another to inhabit this earth, as He said—on the tongue of His Prophet Salih, peace be upon him—"He produced you from the earth and settled you in it." [Hud/61].
After this brief overview of the general idea of marriage—an overview that is necessary—we come to answer the questions some people raise regarding the Sharia basis of some types of marriages.
First: Misyar Marriage
It is a marriage in which the conditions of the Islamic marriage contract are present: offer and acceptance between the husband and the wife's guardian, a dowry, and the presence of two witnesses. However, each spouse stipulates to the other the relinquishment of some of their rights. The husband may stipulate that he will not provide financial maintenance for the wife, or that he will not stay with her overnight according to the legal rulings. Or the wife may stipulate that she will not move from her home to the husband's home. Or the spouses may agree to keep the contract and marriage secret, thereby contravening the saying of the Messenger, peace and blessings be upon him: "Publicize the marriage." [Reported by Ibn Majah].
In the view of the jurist, the mufti, and the judge, this marriage is valid, meaning the marital relationship between the two parties is permissible through it. But if we strip the marriage of all this and the sensible person considers what remains of it?!
I call it the marriage of the cowardly. I may be harsh in this naming, but it is the truth. What prevents the publicizing of this marriage is fear of social considerations. So why are they cowardly about declaring a lawful act, clothing it in the garb of suspicion and secrecy as if it were a disgrace?!
Second: Customary ('Urfi) Marriage
It is of two types:
The first type is one in which the Sharia pillars are present: offer and acceptance, a guardian, a dowry, two witnesses, and sometimes publicity, but it is not registered with the official authorities (Sharia courts). This marriage is valid, and all Sharia rulings apply to it. However, it must be registered with the official authorities because this registration preserves the rights of both spouses and the rights of their offspring and relatives as well.
The second type of customary marriage is an expression of irresponsible, frivolous words between a man and a woman. She says, "I marry myself to you!" and he says, "I accept!" and each of them thinks that with these words, they have become lawful for the other. This is incorrect. The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "There is no marriage except with a guardian and two just witnesses." [Reported by Ibn Hibban]. And he, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "Any woman who marries without the permission of her guardian, her marriage is void, her marriage is void, her marriage is void." [Reported by At-Tirmidhi].
This marriage is invalid because it lacks the Sharia pillars of marriage: there is no guardian, no two just witnesses, no publicity, and no registration with the official authorities. Therefore, it becomes a catastrophe for the wife and her family when they learn the news, and when the husband or wife abandons the other after desires change. Needless to say, this marriage lacks any of the noble meanings of marriage mentioned in the introduction.
Third: Temporary (Mut'ah) Marriage
It is a marriage doomed to failure because it is a temporary marriage for a specified term, which could be an hour, hours, or months. However, in any case, it has a duration that ends with its conclusion. This marriage was known before Islam, and Islamic legislation remained silent about it initially. Then, the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, announced its abolition in the Year of the Conquest (the Conquest of Mecca), considering it void. A number of companions narrated this abolition, including Imam Ali ibn Abi Talib, may Allah be pleased with him. Those who cling to it today practice it secretly and hesitantly. I say this from experience and knowledge. You will not find any of them openly declaring this marriage or receiving congratulations for it. When it is mentioned in the presence of those who permit it, you see them become tense and their faces contort. Some have openly denounced it, saying: What is the difference between it and the practice of unlawful relations between a man and a woman by agreement and for a fee?!
Whether the agreement is called a contract or not, and the fee is called a dowry or not... I say with knowledge: Those who issue fatwas permitting it are ashamed to mention it and to have it attributed to them. Once again, I say: It is a marriage that lacks the noble meanings I spoke of in the introduction.
Fourth: Tahleel Marriage
It is a folly used to treat another folly. As for the first folly, Allah the Exalted legislated divorce as a solution to a problem when reconciliation and coexistence between spouses are impossible, and He made it accompanied by deliberation and reflection. The first divorce allows for reconciliation afterward as a lesson for the spouses. The second divorce is another trial that can be revoked by reconciliation. If the third divorce occurs, then the matter is concluded. Allah says: "Divorce is twice. Then, either keep [her] in an acceptable manner or release [her] with good treatment." (Al-Baqarah: 229). Then He says {what means}: "And if he has divorced her" meaning the third time, "then she is not lawful to him afterward until she marries a husband other than him." [Al-Baqarah/ 230], meaning a marriage of genuine intent. Then the second marriage ends with the death of the husband or divorce after its causes materialize. At that point, the first husband may return to her. This is an extremely bitter experience for the spouses.
However, folly leads some husbands to hasten in pronouncing the third divorce, and some wives insist on divorce. When they regret it at a time when regret is of no avail, they resort to deception against Islamic law. The woman marries another man who stays with her briefly so that she may become lawful again for the first husband. I want Muslims to hear from the Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, the ruling on this absurdity. He, peace and blessings be upon him, said: "May Allah curse the one who performs Tahleel and the one for whom it is performed." [Reported by Abu Dawud]. The one who performs Tahleel is given the ugliest of names: "The borrowed billy goat." This vileness is because it is a deception against the Sharia and a mockery of modesty, chastity, and the noble meanings of marriage.
These are the rulings of the Sharia regarding these innovated types of marriage, which stray far from the noble, honorable objectives of marriage. There is no tranquility, no serenity, no contribution to building society, and no offspring to provide the nation with human energy. Rather, they are whims and satanic plays upon the minds of those driven by desires. Truthful is Allah the Almighty who says {what means}: "Allah wants to accept your repentance, but those who follow [their] passions want you to digress [into] a great deviation." (An-Nisa': 27).
We do not deny that some circumstances compel a marriage intended merely to fulfill the natural urge, for not everyone is capable of applying the complete ideal. In that case, there is no harm in fulfilling the bodily need, but according to the Sharia regulations previously mentioned. Allah the Exalted says {what means}: "Allah wants to lighten for you [your difficulties]; and mankind was created weak." [An-Nisa'/28]. Man may weaken under certain circumstances, but he must not fall into what is prohibited by Islamic Law. He must refer to the people of knowledge to clarify what is permissible and what is forbidden, just as he refers to doctors regarding what harms and what benefits.
The lawful marriage is one in which the offer, acceptance, guardian, dowry, and two just witnesses are present. Then, it must be registered with the official authorities.
It remains to say: I praise Allah that anomalous types of marriages are few and exceptional when compared to the correct, honorable marriage that our nation celebrates in all its lands every day, and which fulfills the desire of the Chosen One, peace and blessings be upon him, for the increase of this nation—a matter that frightens the enemies of this religion, as they fear the blessed proliferation among Muslims and see it as a powerful weapon that the Islamic nation still possesses, which may change realities on the ground in various places around the world.
And may the peace and blessings of Allah be upon our Master Muhammad, who taught us good, opened its doors for us, warned us of evil, and distanced us from its consequences.
